Liz waxes poetic

Nostalgia. I know I am hardly the first (nor will I be the last) to write about that great, not-so-great feeling we all get when we ache for something gone. But, hey, this is my blog, so I can do what I want. :)

So often, I feel like God moves me on before I am ready. Leaving high school, leaving college (and the wonderful small group of girls that I saw tonight), leaving Fuel, whatever. I get comfortable, and God pushes me out. Just like that eagle's nest in my previous post, I am pushed to continue on, to keep going.

A huge part of me resists it. I have never been an advocate of change. In my perfect world, I would just stay where I am, and add to my friend collection - I would never lose friends or have to leave friends behind. Change is scary, uncertain, and not my thing. Will I ever outgrow this fear? I hope so, but I have a feeling that will be a long time coming.

What's really funny about nostalgia is how it makes you more sad than happy. You go back and visit with old friends, or you return to an old hang-out, or you see an old movie. You instantly remember the great times, and then are struck with the pain of all you have lost. It's never just, "Oh, that was so great to see my old friends - I feel so upbeat." (at least for me.) Nostalgia, by its very definition, is not a happy feeling. It's bittersweet and yearning.

When I feel nostalgia, like I felt tonight, I am struck by two things. The first is how much I would like to return to that place for which I am nostalgic - a time period, an actual location, whatever. The second is the realization that I simply don't fit there anymore. I've moved on, they've moved on, the "it" we used to have is no longer there. It is the second that makes me sad. Inevitable? Of course. We all have to move on. But what I want? Definitely not.

I do know that nostalgia makes us yearn for something more, something better. Something that we can only get in heaven. So I am grateful for nostalgia, for making me desire heaven more and more each day. Some day, nostalgia will be a thing of the past, for every moment will be perfect, exactly where I want to be. The journey to get there, however, is the hard part.