Free

To be honest, I'm not sure exactly how to write this down. There are these feelings that I'm having, that I'm not sure I can express them. But hey, here goes.

I am a musician. This is how I see myself - sometimes I see myself as that even before I say I am a Christian. (perhaps it's because I've been a musician longer - 17 years vs. 10.) I did not realize that I was a musician (a TRUE musician) until high school, though. College was where it took off. I was surrounded by musicians, and I played in ensembles everyday. I studied music, I talked about music, I LIVED music. It was incredible. I felt so fulfilled.

Then I graduated, and started teaching. Don't get me wrong - teaching is great. Passing on a love of music is one of my goals. Kids are always entertaining. But working with middle school and elementary students does not satisfy me musically. I mean seriously - when your highest achievement of the day is a successful rendition of "Hot Cross Buns," what are you producing? Yes, I know - I'm building future artists and pouring into the children. True. True. But as a musician - as a creative artist (for that's what I am) - I am not being poured into, I am not working on myself, on my craft.

I have spent these past three years really pouring into my Christian faith and my walk with God. That's great. That's important - that is the most important thing. But (and you know I mean no disrespect or sacrilege here) I have done that to the detriment of myself as a musician. I have not had time to really pour into my practicing or playing. I have not developed as a musician. And that has hurt me. Many times, I felt sad - really sad - and I didn't know why. I had no idea why, actually, until I played my clarinet and playing seriously a few months ago. (Even though I play my clarinet almost every day for my students, it's not the same as paying with another musician who's at your level.) All these feelings came rushing back - "Oh that's right! Music! I'm really good at this!"

I had put music away, partly because it was a stressful thing in college. It is hard to practice 2-4 hours a day and perform all the time! But by putting it away, I denied myself a creative outlet. I stifled myself as a person. And it was wearing me down.

So...

Here, in Michigan, I am finally getting to invest in myself as a musician again. I took an amazing class this week. It challenged me to work on improvisation and jazz, in order to stretch me in new and different directions. Jazz has always felt closed off to me - partly because I play the clarinet. Many times I got "shunned," so to speak, by jazz musicians - the clarinet is not exactly a crucial jazz instrument! But this week I played the violin. I felt freer. Able to really dig in. I'm excited about jazz - for the first time! It has shown me areas that I can work on to develop ME and MY craft. That is crucial for an artist. If you're not growing, you're stifled, you're shut up, you're closed off.

It's also being here, in Michigan, in this place - it is so green and beautiful. The buildings, the trees, the quiet. I feel - open. Able to breathe. Does that make sense? Probably not. Again, not sure if I can really explain this. Even being away from my friends is refreshing (not that I don't love you all!). I can think about myself first without feeling guilty. I can really spend time with just me - and see who I am.

Summarize? Not sure I can. All I can say - I'm so glad I'm here. I can't wait to spend time learning jazz and growing as a musician. I can't wait to see where I get stretched next.