Long times of big changes

It seems to me that for the past 2 years, I have been on a constant journey of major change, self-reflection, and growth.

It all began with joining the Core team for Fuel in January 2007. (2 years ago!!! Wow!) That was intense, as I felt sort of like I had been thrown into this huge machine where there were all these moving parts. I spent the first 6 months just trying to figure out how everything worked. It was crazy, but I slowly began to get the hang of it.

Then we did the Lies and Truths series in Fuel. This involved each Core leader getting up in front of the group (of about 100) and talking about the main lie that the devil tells him or her. This may sound rather out-there, but it's true - the devil does tell us lies all the time. Everything from "you're fat" to "you're bad at your job" to "you're worthless" - I'm sure we've all heard those voices in our heads. They sound like our own voice. But they're not. Check your mind sometime - I bet you'll be surprised at how much Satan tries to get you to believe.

Anyway, I had to confront what my big lie was. Actually, first I had to FIND the lie. That involved about 2 months of soul-searching. When I did find it, it was a HUGE relief, and a huge spiritual high. I felt good for about 4 months straight! :)

(oh, by the way, I also completed the book Spiritual Growth, which introduced the concept of truth and lies to me, during these past 2.5 years. That was a 9 month study with a group of women. Again, huge big steps for me.)

Then, New Orleans. That was a big turning point for me as well, as I realized that I did not have it all together and that I couldn't fix everything. I've had lots of serious talks with various people, who have really been helping me work through those issues.

Now something else has popped up. It's interesting to me, because I am a "helps" person. That is my spiritual gift - "helps." It means that I will do whatever needs to get done in order to help the greater cause. I'm not necessarily an idea person, or a dynamic leader (although I have grown in that capacity since being on Core). But I love serving others.

The reason this is interesting to me is because God has had me on this 2, 2.5 year journey of SELF-discovery. Who would I rather be serving and working on? That's right, others. I do NOT want to be working on myself. To be honest, I feel like I'm hindering others by focusing on myself and my own needs. I've had to say no to things that seemed like they could really use me. (That sounds egotistical, but I don't mean it to be. I just mean I would love to help others with whatever they're doing, be it small groups, junior high ministry, whatever.) But no, God wants me to focus on myself. To be honest, I can't wait to be done with this time of self-growth, so I can go back to focusing on others and ignoring me.

But somehow, I have a feeling that's not going to happen anytime soon.